i've been putting the pieces together ever since jacky died.
the first thing was that from the time i washed his body,w hen it was still warm, until i wrapped him up for burial ~24 hours later, fluid seeped from his nose.
it was clear, tinged with pink that looked red when it dried, thin and watery, and very slippery.
it took me all day yesterday to track down what it was, but i did: cerebrospinal fluid.
it soaked 4 large and thick terry washcloths. it was dripping fast enough at first that to take the photos of jacky lying in state i had to put tissue against his nose, hold the camera and focus, and then have paul remove the tissue to take a picture.
it was still oozing over a day after his death.
one of my friends talked to a nurse and asked about it, and the first thing she said was cancer.
i had already thought that. my mother died in 1990 of lung cancer that metastasised to her brain. she had a small leak after death -- smaller than jacky's.
as i read i saw that a stroke can also cause leaking of blood csf. and i wonder if he had one. he couldn't life his hind leg after he got home from the vet, and he had trouble standing, much less moving into his little box. and after he got home from the vet, our loud, vocal love never made another peep. :(
but if he did have a tumour that was causing pressure, depending on where it was, it could have affected balance, too. as well as his hearing, his sense of smell, and his head tilt.
he also had nystagmus (sp?).
finding all this has helped me, because the vets both acted like if i'd try harder to get him to eat, he'd have been fine. and i don't think that's true.
it's still hard, but i don't feel like i killed him. andi know exactly how hard i tried to get him to eat, too.
i had the funniest feeling last night that he died exactly when he was always supposed to.
i miss him so much.
and now isis is calling me and it's international black cat day and she's black, so i have to go.
please send lots of good thoughts to my beautiful jack on the other side.