one week today

Aug. 21st, 2015 05:37 am
rainbow: photo of my cats Jack and Casteylan (jack and cas)
[personal profile] rainbow
one week since jacky died.

i am still spending a lot of time crying. weds night was specially rough with 2 hour meltdown as sensory stuff plus body pains plus grief overwhelm me.

binx, min, and dragon are very being attentive, and sammy and isis are doing their parts.

i know jacky is fine now, but i miss him so much.

i love you, jacky doodle. i hope you're having fun with your monkey son and everyone else on the other side.

xoxo
rainbow: text "out of spoons error. please reinstall universe and reboot" (Default)
[personal profile] rainbow
i've been putting the pieces together ever since jacky died.

the first thing was that from the time i washed his body,w hen it was still warm, until i wrapped him up for burial ~24 hours later, fluid seeped from his nose.

it was clear, tinged with pink that looked red when it dried, thin and watery, and very slippery.

it took me all day yesterday to track down what it was, but i did: cerebrospinal fluid.

it soaked 4 large and thick terry washcloths. it was dripping fast enough at first that to take the photos of jacky lying in state i had to put tissue against his nose, hold the camera and focus, and then have paul remove the tissue to take a picture.

it was still oozing over a day after his death.

one of my friends talked to a nurse and asked about it, and the first thing she said was cancer.

i had already thought that. my mother died in 1990 of lung cancer that metastasised to her brain. she had a small leak after death -- smaller than jacky's.

as i read i saw that a stroke can also cause leaking of blood csf. and i wonder if he had one. he couldn't life his hind leg after he got home from the vet, and he had trouble standing, much less moving into his little box. and after he got home from the vet, our loud, vocal love never made another peep. :(

but if he did have a tumour that was causing pressure, depending on where it was, it could have affected balance, too. as well as his hearing, his sense of smell, and his head tilt.

he also had nystagmus (sp?).

finding all this has helped me, because the vets both acted like if i'd try harder to get him to eat, he'd have been fine. and i don't think that's true.

it's still hard, but i don't feel like i killed him. andi know exactly how hard i tried to get him to eat, too.

i had the funniest feeling last night that he died exactly when he was always supposed to.

i miss him so much.

and now isis is calling me and it's international black cat day and she's black, so i have to go.

please send lots of good thoughts to my beautiful jack on the other side.

xoxo

chris

jack updates

Aug. 17th, 2015 05:33 am
rainbow: text "out of spoons error. please reinstall universe and reboot" (Default)
[personal profile] rainbow
i just recreated some posts. i had made several and they're missing.

i found 2 -- they were both dated 11 aug 2009 instead of this the right dates. but the others were gone.

overwhelmed

Aug. 11th, 2015 05:27 am
rainbow: text "out of spoons error. please reinstall universe and reboot" (Default)
[personal profile] rainbow
(recreation of missing post)

today paul took jack in to be euthanised. he saw a different vet, dr joey, and she insisted he's healthy, that she can save him.

paul told her about the head tilt, that we think it's a tumour that caused the tilt, the loss of hearing, the loss of smell, and she said she's sure that's not it.

so he came home again.

this time at least he has pain meds.

he still wants nothing to do with me. i keep trying everything to get him to eat, and he sniffs and turns away. i have been lying on the floor next to the kennel. so long as my hand is just lightly touching him but not petting, he will lie with me.

i want dr joey to be right.

i don't think she's right. but i want to believe.

i asked 'tas why she lied to me about it being cancer and that jack was dying. she said "it's more complicated than that" and that i had to go through it; she can't tell me anything.

but jack is with her on the other side. idek.

update on jack, 9 aug 2015

Aug. 9th, 2015 05:25 am
rainbow: text "out of spoons error. please reinstall universe and reboot" (Default)
[personal profile] rainbow
(recreation of missing post)

jack is refusing to eat. we've gotten a little food into him by syringe feeding, but he fights it so hard he hurts himself :(

none of the treats he loves are interesting him. he doesn't even want to cuddle with paul.

i do not have a good feeling about this.

update on jack, 7 aug 2015

Aug. 7th, 2015 05:20 am
rainbow: text "out of spoons error. please reinstall universe and reboot" (Default)
[personal profile] rainbow
(recreation of missing post)

jack is home from the vet. dr. ann thinks his front right paw has a dislocated toe.

his rear right paw/leg has a partially healed break and is swollen. but that doesn't explain why he yowled when he got out of the litter box or spent the night refusing to budge from paul's arms wednesday night.

he needs to be kept from moving around much; he got a kennel for him. i put in the tardis fleece he loves so much.

i'm concerned because he's not lifting the hind leg like it's painful. he only drags it :(

she thinks if we can get him eating he'll do well, though. he ate kitten food for them with good appetite at the vet.

he has zero interest in food. and zero interest in love. he wants to be at the very back of the kennel and left alone :(

gofundme for jack updated

Aug. 14th, 2015 08:51 pm
rainbow: drawing of a woman holding a star with a crescent moon overhead (moon goddess)
[personal profile] rainbow
i updated our gofundme with the extra vet visit monday and the visit today.

if you can help by sharing, please do.

also love, support, prayres, and vibes very much appreciate.

our hearts have huge holes.

our baby :(

link: http://www.gofundme.com/n8e9urk8

Jack Starfire, 2003 - 14 Aug 2015

Aug. 14th, 2015 08:51 pm
rainbow: photo of my cats Jack and Casteylan (jack and cas)
[personal profile] rainbow
Jack passed over this morning.

image of jack lying in state so the others can check him out. his body is relaxed and his eyes are closed. some of the stuffies he loved are watching over him, and so is bast. there is catnip laid on him and a CATSIS )

jack and cas are together again, zipping around all of time and space in the catsis.

next stop: EVERYWHERE

but here and now and me is tears and hard to breathe and aching heart.

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